Aviation quotes...

[Biggles]

A “good” landing is one from which you can walk away. A “great” landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them

Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

\You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again

[Morph]

If not for the curvature of the earth the Cessna C150 would never take off.

[Bubble Guts]

The only time u got too much fuel, is when u on fire!!

[John Boucher]

How about this...

Fuel left in the hangar, runway behind you and sky above are all unusable!

[DieselFan]

If not for the curvature of the earth the Cessna C150 would never take off.

[John Boucher]

DEAD RECKONING: You reckon correctly, or you are.

DESTINATION: A geo- graphical location 30 minutes beyond the pilot's bladder saturation point.

ENGINE FAILURE: A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks mysteriously become filled with low-octane air.

FIREWALL: Section of the aircraft specifically designed to funnel heat and smoke into the cockpit.

GLIDE DISTANCE: Half the distance from an airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.

HOBBS: An instrument which creates an emer- gency situation should it fail during dual instruc- tion.

HYDROPLANE: An air- plane designed to land long on a short and wet runway.

IFR: A method of flying by needle and horoscope.

LEAN MIXTURE: Non- alcoholic beer.

[Coyote]

Very good keep them coming These are not quotes but actual situations recorded in technical reports.
Pilots V. Mechanics

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form,called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.... Enjoy!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.