Laugh out laud.

[Bennie Vorster]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support

[Bennie Vorster]

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the

plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant

explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted

to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.



Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man

had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind

because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front

of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."



Picture this:



All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when

they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!



The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not

only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story.... Have a great day and remember...



THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

[Massimo]

tech support absolutely brillaint :D

[Bennie Vorster]

Ok Your turn.

[Massimo]

ONLY A GREEK MAN CAN MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A WOMAN...

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth
to be memorable!

Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They
all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a Greek man stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is gorgeous, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt ....one button at a time.

.......No one moves.

.......He removes his shirt.

......Muscles ripple across his chest.

......She gasps...

......He whispers....


"Iron this, and get me something to eat...."

[Bennie Vorster]

What to wear when mother in law comes to visit





:D :D :D

[Bennie Vorster]

THIS IS WHY PARENTS DRINK.....

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned
In sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,
He dialled the employers home phone number and was greeted with a
Child's' whisper.

"Hello"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked

"Yes" whispered the small voice

"May I talk with him?"

"No"

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mummy there?"

"Yes"

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No"

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
Asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes, whispered the boy, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child

"Busy doing what?"

Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman", came the answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter, through the
Earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What's that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?!", demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed
The helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching
For?!!."

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle............

"ME".

[Bennie Vorster]

What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
..........................................................................
























Put it on my bill.

:D :D :D :D

[Bennie Vorster]

AANSOEK VIR TOESTEMMING OM MY DOGTER TE MAG UITVRA

1. Alle aansoeke moet vergesel word van 5 Kg (of meer) biltong, 12 Bottels KWV Roodeberg, 12 Bottels 1O jr. KWV Brandewyn, 1 Kas Heineken en 'n betaalde jagsafari van 14 dae in Kenya vir vier persone.

2. Hierdie aansoek sal as onvolledig beskou word (en dienooreenkomstig afgekeur word) indien enige van die volgende NIE aangeheg is nie:
· volledige finansiële state vir die laaste drie jaar
· skool en universiteitgeskiedenis (nie technikon, kollege of iets anders nie)
· werksgeskiedenis
· familiegeskiedenis vir die laaste 200 jaar (Anglo-Boereoorlog Hensoppers, Joiners of Vermyders kan net hierso opgee)
· bestuurslisensiegeskiedenis, en
· volledige mediese ondersoek onderteken deur'n goedgekeurde Dokter en Psigiater.

NAAM ___________________

BYNAAM ___________________ (Enige dierename by bogenoemde sal tot afkeuring lei)


GEBOORTEDATUM _________________

LENGTE _________________

GEWIG _________________

I.K. _________________

SKOOLGEMIDDELD __________________

ID # ___________________________

BESTUURSLISENSIE # __________________


VOORTREKKERRANG (TANS) EN KURSUSSE VOLTOOI
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


TUISADRES ____________________
DORP/STAD ____________________
KODE ____________________

Het jy EEN manlike en EEN vroulike ouer? ___________
lndien NEE, verduidelik: ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Aantal jare wat hulle getroud is: ___________
Indien korter as jou ouderdom verduidelik:
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Besit jy:
'n Kombi? __________
'n Ford Sierra? __________
Enige ander kar met'n drukvin en allooiwiele wat nie standaard is nie? __________
'n Waterbed? __________
'n Bakkie met'n matras agter in? __________
Kondome? __________
Enige pornografie? __________
Dra jy 'n oorbel, neusring, naeltjiering? __________
Het jy 'n tattoeërmerk? __________
INDIEN ENIGE ANTWOORD OP ENIGE VAN DIE BOONSTE VRAE JA IS, MOENIE VOORTGAAN MET DIE VOLTOOING VAN DIE VORM NIE, (Vir jou eie veiligheid) VERLAAT DIE PERSEEL ONMIDDELLIK.

In 50 woorde of minder wat beteken LAAT vir jou?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

In 50 woorde of minder wat beteken MOENIE AAN MY DOGTER RAAK NIE:
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

In 50 woorde of minder, wat verstaan jy onder GEHEELONTHOUDING?
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

In 10 woorde of minder, wat verstaan jy onder die volgende:
KASTREER?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

GENADEDOOD?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

In nie MINDER nie as 5000 woorde verduidelik wat jy verstaan onder die woord "VRY"?
(Skryf dit op jou eie vervlakste papier en heg aan by aansoek.)

Naam en adres van die kerk wat jy bywoon.
___________________________________________
___________________________________________
___________________________________________
___________________________________________

Hoe gereeld woon jy by? ___________________________________________

Wanneer sal die beste tyd wees om die volgende persone te ondervra:


Vader? ______________

Moeder? _____________
Predikant? _____________

Paroolbeampte? ______________

Vorige drie meisies? _________________

Sal jou ouers hulle vrywillig aan genetiesetoetsing onderwerp of sal doofpyle gebruik moet word?
___________________________________________

Enige besware teen die deursoeking van jou persoon, voertuig, hok, gat of enige ander blyplek?
___________________________________________



Voltooi die volgende sinne. Antwoorde sal as vertroulik beskou word.

A: Indien ek raak geskiet word, sou ek nie in/op my _______________raakgeskiet wou word nie.
B: Indien ek geslaan word, wil ek baie graag NIE die volgende been gebreek hê nie: _____________
C: 'n Vrou se plek is in die: ____________________________________________
D: Die een ding wat ek hoop NIE gevra sal word in die onderhoud nie, is:
_____________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________

E: Wanneer ek 'n meisie vir die eerste keer ontmoet, sien ek heel eerste die volgende raak:
_____________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________

NOTA: lndien enige liggaamsdeel genoem word wat begin met 'n P, T, D, of G, STOP dadelik en verlaat die perseel ONMIDDELIK.
Terwyl jy die perseel verlaat, hardloop in S'e en hou jou kop laag.

Wat wil jy word INDIEN jy moontlik groot word?
_____________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________

Wat is die huidige tariewe van 'n hotelkamer? ____________________________

Kondome kom in pakkies van (omkring een):
A: 3
B: 6
C: 9
D: 12
E: Al die bogenoemde

Hoe weet jy dit ? __________

HIERMEE BELOOF EK PLEGTIG DAT AL DIE BOGENOEMDE INLIGTING KORREK EN WAAR IS. VERKEERDELIK VERSKAFDE INLIGTING MAG (SAL/KAN? - JOU KEUSE!) LEI TOT DIE DOOD, ONTMANNING, DIE VERLOOR VAN LEDEMATE, ROOIMIER-MARTELING, KRUISIGING, ELEKTRIESE SKOK, CHINESE WATERMARTELING EN/OF ROOIWARM YSTERTOEDIENING


______________________
HANDTEKENING (dis nou jou naam swaap!)

Dankie vir jou belangstelling. Laat asseblief 4 tot 6 jaar toe vir prosessering. Jy sal skriftelik in kennis gestel word indien jou aansoek aanvaar word. Moet asseblief nie probeer om telefonies, elektronies, skriftelik, per posduif, vingertaal of d.m.v. rooksiene in verbinding te tree nie. (DIT KAN/SAL/MAG TOT ERNSTIGE BESERINGS LEI)

lndien jou aansoek afgekeur word, sal jy persoonlik in kennis gestel word deur twee here in swart pakke met wit dasse wat elk 'n viooltas dra.


GENIET DIE DAG VERDER.

:D :D :D :D :D

[Aerosan]

Bennie , het jy kopie reg hierop? of kan ekke maar hou vir so oor 10 jaar as my twee dogters daar kom?

Cheers San

[Bennie Vorster]

A ha...... net noudie dag het ek ook so gese. En kyk nou net wat het gebeur

[andreb]

I hear that Jamaica has been crowned the world BOB SLAY champions!

[Tailspin]

Bennie

What am i gonna do in about 10 years

[Bennie Vorster]

O Gosh you are in for it brother, glad I'm not you. At least I'm having them in their difficult years in today’s life.

[Barnstormer]

Bennie

Concerning your question list...


I'm pretty sure if he walks in and shows you his MPL he will pass with flying colours

But the biltong etc will still be necessary