Hope Duif does not mind me posting this here...
Panorama Flight Park - where pilots fly when the birds are walking.
Hey Manne.
I have been remiss in my failure to keep you all updated on recent developements at Panorama South Of Joburg and as it is hot and the lawn mower is geshtuffed, I though I would update you.
As you all know, Panorama has always been a hot bed of research and iniquity most especially in summer. Well, nothing has changed except that now we have constucted an Institute For Good Airmanship on the airfield. This institute does not currently have a name but it will probably be known as Phort Mac Phee after its designer. The structure itself will be entered for the Nobel Prize for Arkitechtcha. It was built with logs, wattle sticks, building site refuse and some concrete that we will never be invoiced.
Anyway, the idea behind this institute is that you okes from far and wide can pop in for a dop or a juice and contribute to the scientific and philoscofical discussions on flying. I woul like to take you through some of the current revolutionary developments just to give you an idea of the intelecshil level we are working on.
Last night we had a discussion on Gee-forces and how to know when enough is mos enough. As we are all saving up money for transponders, we will not be affording gee-meters. Now it is a well known fact that if you spiral your trike too much the Gee force can be too much. And this causes the snot in your nose to travel upwards and into yor brain where it gums up the intelligence part of the brain. As this reverse thrust continues, the snot goes round the back of the eyeballs and your vision gets misty. And the next best thing is that you have a black out when your eyeball rolls backwards and checks out the inside of the brain box which in most cases is emply and dark. To avoid this, it is necessary to have a home made gee-meter. There were two proposals which I think are worth pursuing .
First off, take an ordinary bathroom scale and place in carefully in the centre of the pilots seat and tape it down lekker with something so that it does not go through the prop. (Always safety first). Then apply velcro to the top of the scale and the bottom of the pilots pants. This is important for when there is negative gees - known as bad vibes or jees-like. Of course, you must make sure that the dial is visible between yor legs, so this system will not work for pilots with fat legs or with a thick rip cord between their legs. Of course you could do this on the passenger seat but this is not recommended as passengers are normally chicks and they are genetically predisposed to bitch about whatever reading is on the scale regardless of what gee-level it is. Naturally, following strict CAA protocol, you will have to incorporate this gee-meter into your preflight checks but this should be easy. You set the scale to zero, you just jump up and down on your seat 3 times before takeoff to ensure the dial jumps and then poet foet and bar forward. . When you are in a spiral dive all you gotta do is check between your legs for the gee factor.
The better way to make a gee meter of course is to rig up a fish scale in between the A-frame at about eye level, and then hang a one kilo fish on the hook. The make of the fish does not matter. Then when you are bottoming out of a particulalry violent downdraft, if the fish is checking you out with bulging out eyes, then you know you are pulling gees. If you wanna know how many gees, you must check the scale and if it is reading 5 then you know you are pulling 5 gees. Of course, if the fish eyes pop right out of their sockets and smack you in the gob, then you know it is time to look for the ballistic chute button or failing that, to stand up on your seat so that you can jump upwards just as the plane hits the ground.
The other interesting thing happening at Panorama is that since Steve, Jay and I recently learnt to fly straight and level, we decided to try this together and we called it a formation. Now a formation is mos not a formation if you cant bomb anything. So we have this project to develop bombs. It is highly classified so I cant tell you too much about the technology.
But I can tell you that if you stick a cracker in a bag of wood ash and los it over a bird anctuary or something the birds laying eggs in the vlei can only like to poep themselves.
If instead of flour you use semolina, you get a schrapnell effect which is quite funny when it makes little baby birds jump out of their nests.
If you put in marbles, you break windows.
If you put in ball bearings you get a visit from the SAPS.
But the big problem is how to lite the fuse. For this you need a bombardier to hold the bombs in her lap and to set them off. He or she must be a smoker. As part of the preflight check, after you have bounced up and down on the gee scale you have to shout "light up" which the copilot must be trained to recognise is a signal for "light up your smoke". Once overhead the target, the bomb aimer must take a big drag then use the cigarette to light the fuse of the high explosive. Now this is where you have to work together. Because there is a lot of wind up there, it is not possible to see if the fuse is smoking or not. So the bombardier then consults with the pilot so that, in time, consensus can be achieved as to whether or not the fuse is burning or whether more fag must be applied. Once it is agreed that the fuse is burning, it is important that the bomb be cast overboard without further ado as there is probably a CAA regulation prohibiting exploding stuff on a flight deck.
The other thing on the drawing board is how to soak bog roll in petrol and then light it and deploy it so that it makes a lekker flaming ribbon and we can then cut it into little pieces with the wing tip (specially coated in asbestosis for this purpose). The big problem is the filler hole of the petrol tank is too small to stuff the bog roll in and get it out in one piece.
So this is some of the stuff going down at Panos. If you have any ideas thatyou would like to contribute, why not pop in for a while. The roof of the the institute seems so far to be water proof so you can even spend the night and return the following morning to your field. In fact if you let us have your name and a small ex-gratia contribution, we will tell anyone who calls that you are in the Panos Institute for Airmanship and as you are delivering an important paper, you cannot come to the phone. We look forward to seeing you soon. Joining instructions are "ëvery man for himself". There are 6 runways and miles of taxiways so there is no shortage of landing space. Call five miles out on Johannesburg Approach and tell the ATC that Duif says "hi" and he must pass on my fond wishes to his wife and daughter.
Duif
the officiating CAA official on the ground busy amending section 1.2.3 sub section 17 a (II) of some or other law being writtin outlawing "cocks" on microlights because they are a safety hazard! 
:D 
!!