some humor

[Alkemac]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train."

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."

"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss."

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly to his wife, when the young woman sitting next to him had had enough and leaned over and said into the phone,

"Eric, turn that damn phone off and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

Cell phone etiquette, ya think ?

[nicow]

[Tumbleweed]

Brilliant.

Something for the BBM / sms obsessive behaviour?

[nicow]

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks ...

"Honey, I've been thinking ... now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns, boat and fishing gear.

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't."

[Air Hog]

The police announced that they were looking for a serial rapist in the Brakpan area.

They received a 100 CV’s within 24 hours…

[Bulletjie]

Brakpan pa vat sy seun vir 'n soft serve. Die seun vat die eerste lek en se "Blik**m pa maar hierdie pap is koud!!"

[Tailspin]

In Brakpan even after Divorce the pair are still classified as Bother and Sister

[Folla]

Lance Armstrong se gebruik van drugs gaan nou veroorsaak dat onskuldige jong Brakpan dwelmgebruikers dink dis cool om fiets te ry...

[Tailspin]

Lance Armstrong se gebruik van drugs gaan nou veroorsaak dat onskuldige jong Brakpan dwelmgebruikers dink dis cool om fiets te ry...

Or there could be wide spread confusion.

[Bulletjie]

* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair; but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

* The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Betty.

* Went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

* My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

* The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

* A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

* I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

[nicow]

Russ and Sam, two friends, very old and frail, met in the park every day
to feed the birds, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam
didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had
happened
to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ,but one
day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, "For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to
you?"

Russ replied, "I was in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Russ said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at
the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old,
I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'."

"The damn judge gave me 30 days for lying under oath."

[wiskeyfoxtrot]

[falconp1]

Pasop vir die Boere

Barack Obama was sitting in his office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Howzit, Barack!" a voice in broken English said. "This is Koos Vannermerwe here from the Doringboom Bar in Welkom , South Africa . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you, boet!"

"Well, Koos," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Koos, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Jan, my next-door neighbour Lang Hannes , and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight of us!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you, Koos, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Blikkiesfontein!" said Koos. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day, Koos called again. "Barack, my China, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Koos?" Barack asked.

"Well, we have four Hilux double-cabs, two kombis, an old Case bulldozer, and Vet Gert's John Deere tractor".

Barack sighed. "I must tell you, Koos, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1,5 million since we last spoke."

"Liewe erdvark!" said Koos. "I'll have to get back to you..." Sure enough, Koos rang again the next day. "Barack, ou swaer, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Doepie's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four okes from the Virginia Hengelklub have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Koos, I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Slaat my dood!", said Koos, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Koos called again the next day. "Jis, jis, jis, Barack! I am sorry to tell you that we've had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Koos, "we've all had a long chat over some klippies and coke, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of war!"

[Folla]

[Bulletjie]

A South African Boertjie is drinking in a London bar when his cell phone rings. He hangs up grinning from ear to ear and orders a round for the whole bar announcing that his wife just
gave birth to a 12kg baby boy.
Nobody can believe the weight but the South African just shrugs and says, 'We make 'em big back home folks. My boy's typically South African. A future 'Bok for sure.'
Congrats are showered on him and many exclamations of 'WOW' are heard. One woman even faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the South African Boertjie returns to the same bar. Barman says
'We were going to call you, everyone's been making bets as to how much your 12kg son weighs now, so how much does he weigh now?'
The proud father answers that he now weighs 9kg's.
The barman is puzzled and concerned and asks 'What happened, he already weighed 12kg on the day he was born'.
The South African father takes a slow swig from his long neck Castle beer, wipes his lips on his khaki shirt, leans forward and says: 'Had him circumcised, boet'.