Flying jokes, quotes and chirps

[pietmeyer]

We have clearance, Clarence. Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?

— Cockpit crew in the movie Airplane

[pietmeyer]

Here is a funny clip from the movie "Airplane"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVq4_HhBK8Y

[Bundy]

Some old ones...still true!

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick back, then they get bigger again.

Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

[Bundy]

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot...

They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206....

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

[Alkemac]

My instructor was once talking about flying at night ....

"Switch your lights on - if you dont like what you see, switch them off again..."

[Lesser_spotted_owl]

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

[Bundy]

A KingAir had just rotated (lifted-off the runway) at take-off when there was an enormous bang and the starboard engine burst into flames.
After stamping on the rudder to sort out the asymmetric thrust, trying to feather the propeller and going through the engine fire drills with considerable calmness and aplomb, the stress took its toll on the Captain...
He transmitted to the tower in a level friendly voice: "Ladies and gentleman. There is no problem at all but we're just going to land for a nice cup of tea."
He then switched to cabin intercom and screamed at the passengers: "Mayday. Mayday. Mayday. Engine fire. Prop won't feather. If I can't hold this asymmetric we're going in. Emergency landing. Get the crash crew out." The aircraft landed safely with the passengers' hair standing on end.

[Catbert]

Keep 'em coming Bundy. Too good

[MILO]

Dali Lama walks into a pizza shop and asks them if they can make him one with everything......

[Bundy]

From E Haigh, Mar 2008 - "I thought I'd let you know about a time when I was up in the air doing aeros (aerobatics) and turning back into circuit as one of my other friends was coming into land..."

On contact with the runway the friend's plane veered off to the left and crashed, narrowly avoiding a large very deep pond, just to the left of the runway on the taxi hold point.
The pilot still managed to report: "Runway vacated..."

The airfield had a fit of the giggles, and happily although the plane was a very mangled write-off, no serious injury was sustained.

[Bundy]

These amusing communications illustrate the implications of using vague language, as well as the age-old potential for conflict and confusion between operational departments and functions, and the long-suffering tolerance of service and maintenance staff in support of operational personnel found in all industries.


Technical problem or defect reported by pilot or crew.---.Remedial action or answer reported by maintenance engineer

1:Something loose in cockpit.---. Something tightened in cockpit.
2:Left-inside main tyre almost needs replacing.---. Almost replaced left-inside main tyre.
3:Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.---. Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.
4:Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine. Engine run for three hours.---. Noise now familiar.
5:Mouse in cockpit.---. Cat installed.
6:Target radar hums.---. Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
7: Number three engine missing. [not firing properly presumably].---. Engine found on starboard [right] wing after brief search.
8:Pilot's clock inoperative.---. Wound clock.
9:Aircraft handles funny.---. Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
10:Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.---. Pilot removed from aircraft.
11:Noise coming from under instrument panel - sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.---. Took hammer away from midget.
12:Suspected crack in windshield.---. Suspect you are right.
13:IFF inoperative. [IFF = Identification, Friend or Foe.].---. IFF always inoperative in 'off' mode.
14:Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough.---. Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft.
15:No2 ADF needle runs wild. [ADF = Automatic Direction Finder/Finding?].---. Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle.
16:Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.---. Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!
17:Dead bugs on windshield.---. Live bugs on back order.
18:Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent.---. Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
19:Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.---. Evidence removed.
20:Three roaches in cabin.---. One roach killed, one wounded, one got away.
21:DME volume set unbelievably loud. [DME = Distance Measuring Equipment?].---. DME volume set to more believable level.
22:No2 propeller seeping prop fluid.---. No2 propeller seepage normal. Nos 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
23:Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.---. That's what they are for!

[ZULU1]

As a southerner this about right...brilliant and remember "wipe though bloody feet"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPjJFv1NDBg

[DarkHelmet]

http://www.michalwurm.com/2011/10/funny ... ouncements

[Bundy]

A controller at the Nashville, Tennessee airport told me about an incident from several years ago when he cleared a Cessna 172 (4 seater small aircraft) for landing. As the Cessna turned to final approach, an airliner called in 'over the marker' (5 miles from the airport). The Cessna was about a half mile from the runway, and the controller knew he could land and clear the runway well before the airliner would land, so he cleared the airliner to land as well.
A few seconds later, the Cessna pilot asked the controller, "How far behind me is that 737?" Before the controller could respond, the airline pilot keyed his mike, and in a deep bass voice said, "Don't look back!..."

[Bundy]

"There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are."