The joke thread

[kraaines]

YOU ARE PROUDLY SOUTH AFRICAN WHEN:

You call a bathing suit a "swimming costume".

You call a traffic light a "robot".

You call an elevator a "lift"

You call a hood a "bonnet"

You call a trunk a "boot"

You call a pickup truck a "bakkie"

You call a Barbeque a "Braai"

The employees dance in front of the building to show how unhappy they are.

The SABC advertises and shows highlights of the programme you just finished watching.

You get cold easily. Anything below 16 degrees Celsius is Arctic weather.

You know what Rooibos Tea is, even if you've never had any.

You can sing your national anthem in four languages, and you have no idea what it means in any of them.

You know someone who knows someone who has met Nelson Mandela.

You go to braais regularly, where you eat boerewors and swim, sometimes simultaneously.

You know that there's nothing to do in the Orange Free State .

You produce a R100 note instead of your driver's licence when stopped by a traffic officer.

You can do your monthly shopping on the pavement.

You have to hire a security guard whenever you park your car.

When you are a victim of crime and say: "At least I'm still alive".

You know a taxi can move twice it's certified number of people in one trip.

You travel 100's of kilometres to see snow.

You know the rules of Rugby better than any referee

To get free electricity you have to pay a connection fee of R750.

More people vote in a local reality TV show than in a local election.

People have the most wonderful names: Christmas, Goodwill, Pretty, Wednesday, Blessing, Brilliant, Gift, Precious, Innocence and Given, Patience, Portion, Coronation.

"Now now" or "just now" can mean anything from a minute to a month.

You continue to wait after a traffic light has turned to green to make way for taxis traveling in the opposite direction.

Traveling at 120 km/h you're the slowest vehicle on the highway/freeway.

You're genuinely and pleasantly surprised whenever you find your car parked where you left it.

A bullet train is being introduced, but we can't fix potholes.

The last time you visited the coast you paid more in speeding fines and toll fees than you did for the entire holiday.

You paint your car's registration on the roof.

You have to take your own linen with you if you are admitted to a government hospital.

You have to prove that you don't need a loan to get one.

Prisoners go on strike.

You don't stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car.

You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once.

Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high.

You consider a high crime rate as normal.

[Grumpy]

PROUDLY SOUTH AFRICAN- Guess the company !!
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

373 in total or approximately 70%
Can you guess which organization this is?

It's the 535 members of the
SOUTH AFRICAN PARLIAMENT
- (The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line!)

[Brian]

I bought my wife a "mood ring".

Whenever she is in a good mood the stone goes green and when she is in a bad mood I get a red knob on my forehead

[slysi]

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...





Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,

Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old

grandmother and comfort her.



When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother

replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday

morning."



Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100

years old, having sex would surely be asking for trouble.



"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our

advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the

church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.



Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and

out on the Dong."



She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be

alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[slysi]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink Willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominantly white, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink Willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
Experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said,"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it, "he replied. "In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[Wargames]

Read this on supersport. Brilliant.

______________________________________-

Merv Hughes tells the story best, but here goes. It's a stinking hot day in Victoria at the start of a Sheffield Shield match and the wicket is one of the flattest in the country. The sun is so hot even the flies are moving slowly. The bowlers in both sides are having ice-cold showers in as the captains walk out to toss, just in case theirs loses or calls wrong.

Merv's captain wins and then looks momentarily puzzled. He turns to his opposite number and says "you guys can have a bat."

The losing captain is stunned. "Really?! Are you serious...?" he stammers. "Sure," he says. "You can bat...eventually, after we've scored seven f***ing hundred!"

[DarkHelmet]

> A man was not really happy about his manhood... it was actually too
> long....... 50cm long. He did not know what to do and went to aSangoma

> to ask for advice. The Sangoma thought for a long time before she
said:
> 'Walk into the forest and you will meet a frog. Ask the frog if it
wants
> 2 marry you. If it says 'no' your manhood will shrink by 10cm, but if
it
> says 'yes' it will grow by 10cm so the risk is yours.' The man thought

> about this for a while but decided it was worth the risk. He walked
into
> the forest, found the frog and asked it: 'Will you marry me little
> frog?' 'No', said the frog. The man ran home and measured his manhood.

> Happily he found that it had shrunk down to 40cm. The man was so
excited
> about the results, that he ran back into the forest and asked the frog

> again. 'Will you marry me little frog?' 'No', said the frog. The man
ran
> home and measured his manhood. Again he found that it had shrunk 10cm
> down to 30cm. The man was thinking, 'hmmm 20cm, now that would be the
> perfect size' and ran back into the forest. He met the frog again and
> asked him again 'Will you marry me little frog?'
> The frog answered him:
> ' what is wrong with you? I already told you:

NO! NO NO!

[Stephan van Tonder]

Robert Mugabe flies to England to see the Queen. Over a cup of tea, he brings up his plans for his country.

"Your Majesty, can we turn Zimbabwe into a kingdom, in order to increase its force in the world market?"

The Queen shakes her head and replies: "One needs a king for a kingdom, Mr Mugabe and unfortunately you are most certainly not a king."

Not to be dissuaded, Bob asks: "Would it be possible to transform Zimbabwe into an empire then?"

"No, you silly chap," snorts the Queen, "for an empire you need an emperor, and you are most certainly not an emperor."

Bob thinks for a moment and then asks if it is possible to turn Zimbabwe into a principality.

The Queen replies: "For a principality, you need a prince, and you Mr Mugabe, are definitely not a prince."

Pausing for a sip of tea, she adds: "I don't mean to appear rude but having met you, I think Zimbabwe is perfectly suited as a country"

[DarkHelmet]

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?" His mother replies, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark."

[slysi]

Sentence structure is Important!

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of the
two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because
they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided
he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next
morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after
partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this
before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

[kloot piloot]

Piet en Koos, ou skoolvriende, loop mekaar weer raak na twintig jaar.
“Haai, ou Piet, jy lyk goed man. Wat het jy gaan doen na skool?” vra Koos.
“Ek het Tale gaan swot op Tukkies en het my Honneurs gekry in Afrikaans. Daar ontmoet ek toe ook my vrou, wat gedigte en prosa skryf vir ‘n lewe. Sy het ‘n Meestersgraad in Letterkunde gekry voor ons eerste seun gekom het. My seun is ‘n konsertpianis in Amerika vir die Amerikaanse Philharmoniese orkes en my dogter is die hoofballerina in London se balletgeselskap. Julle moet een aand oorkom dan hou ons ‘n kultuur-aand. Wat van jou? Wat het jy met jou lewe gedoen Koos?”
“Nee,” sê Koos, “ek was mos al op skool ‘n bietjie bakleierig en het na skool maar ‘n bokser geword. Daar ook my vrou ontmoet, die dogter van ‘n boks promotor, en in daai tyd kon vrouens mos nie boks nie toe begin sy met karate en sy het haar swart belt gekry voor ons eerste kind daar was. Ons seun het laas maand sy SA kleure gekry in stoei en my dogter verteenwoordig ons land in Judo. Julle moet een aand oorkom dan moer ons julle.”

[DarkHelmet]

Interesting Human Body Facts


- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.

- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).

- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.

- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.

- Women blink twice as much as men.

- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.

- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!

- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.

- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

* You looked at your thumb... Didn't you?

[extra300s]

I did... is that on a warm or cold day...

[kloot piloot]

Hoekom is 'n lemoen oranje ?

Sodat hy beter kan rol !

[Sad-Ham]

A man was sitting on the settee watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner Love ? Chicken, beef or lamb ?"
He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
"Shut up. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."