For my 40th birthday this year, my wife purchased a week of personal training at a
local health gym for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing for my
college cricket team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
give it a try.
I called the gym and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Naina, who
identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic
clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.
The Gym also encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Monday:
Started my day at 6 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it
when I arrived at the health gym to find Naina waiting for me...She is something of
a Greek goddess with short cropped hair and a dazzling white smile. Woohoo!!!
Naina gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five
minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that it was so fast, but I attributed it
to standing next to her in her Lycra outfit. I enjoyed the watching the skilful way
in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very Inspiring!
Naina was also very encouraging as I did my sit ups, although my gut was already
hurting from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a
fantastic week!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Naina made me lie
on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it!!
My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I finally made the full mile.
Naina's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel great! It’s a whole new life
for me!
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and
moving my teeth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Finally, at the gym.
Naina was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other gym
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is very annoying!
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill so Naina put me on the Stairmonster
instead. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators?? Naina told me it would help me get into shape and enjoy
life. She said some other stuff too.
Thursday:
Naina is waiting for me with her vampire like teeth, exposed as her thin cruel lips
were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being half an hour late. It took
me that long to tie my shoes.
Naina took me to work out with dumbbells. When she wasn't looking I ran and hid in
the men's room. She sent Ballu Balbir to find me and as punishment, put me onto the
rowing machine – which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that woman Naina, more than any person has ever hated any other human being
in the history of the world. Stupid skinny anorexic little cheerleader. If there
were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her silly
with it.
Naina wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't
want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
$*#@!& barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the salsa trainer
or the drama coach?
Saturday:
Naina left a message on my mail in her grating shrilly voice wondering why I didn't
show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with the
stupid planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended
up catching 11 straight hours of the Aastha channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Kailash hospital van pick me up today from the gym. Will stop in at
the sector 19 temple to thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year my wife (grrr...), will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or
vasectomy.
