The Chilli Eating Contest

[Sad-Ham]

THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILLI CONTEST

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down
your cheeks, then there is no hope for you!

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chilli Cook off about the time the Rodeo comes to town.
It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes
are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli
cook-off. The third judge called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and
besides they told me I could have all the free beer during the tasting, so
I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli #1 (Mike's Manic Mobster Monster Chilli)

Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one, these Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)

Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.


Chilli # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)

Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 - A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everybody knows the routine by
now. Get me some more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced
from all the beer.

Chilli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)

Judge # 1 - Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scrape across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb lady is starting to
look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an
aphrodisiac?

Chilli # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Stuff those rednecks!

Chilli # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge # 1 - Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 - I shat myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.
She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips any more. I need to
wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge #3 - (Frank). You could place a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli,
which slid out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like stuff which
matches my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Sod it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the four inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8 (Tommy's Toe-nail Curling Chilli)

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blended chilli. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli?

[Uncle Spud Murphy]

Sad-Ham you b'astard, I now need hospital treatment. Never have I laughed so much for so long. The very word 'Chili' will now give me hysterics whenever I see it and nobody around will know why.

Under pressure from several directions and for several reasons right now and needed a bellow so my friend vriendelik groete altyd

Alles van die beste

[Coyote]

It must be one of the best emails Ive ever read.