Friday funny (relay)

[Tumbleweed]

ONE MAN'S STORY...

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine.

Dear Diary: For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am.

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek
goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was Alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or
stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%# (#& barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.)

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife
(the other bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root canal
or a vasectomy.

[Ou Man]

Adrenilin Sport

Two men walk into a pet shop and go over to the bird section.

Sonnyboy says to Umfan, "Dat's dem." The clerk asks if he can help
them.

"Yebo, we take four of dose beds in dat cage lapa side," says Umfan.

Put beds in a pepa bag pleez, Sir!"

The two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into
Sonnyboy's van and drive until they are high up on the hill and stop at
the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. Sonnyboy takes the birds out
of the bag, places 2 on each of his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Umfan watches as Sonnyboy goes straight down for a few seconds followed
by a 'SPLAT'.

As Umfan looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says,
"Haibo, dis budgie jumpin' is too dangerous for me."

A minute later, Philemon arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and
carries the familiar 'pepa bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag and is
carrying a gun in his other hand.

"Heita, Umfan. Watch dis." Philemon says, and launches himself over the
edge of the cliff.

Umfan watches as half way down, Philemon takes the gun, blows the
parrot's head off and continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he
joins Sonnyboy's remains at the bottom.

Umfan shakes his head and says, "Eish baba, me is never tryin' dat
parrotshooting nider."

After a few minutes, Goodman strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop
and is carrying the familiar 'pepa bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls
a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the
same result.

Once more Umfan shakes his head.

"Hauw! First der was Sonnyboy wit his budgie-jumping, den Philemon
parrotshooting and now Goodman hen-gliding!
Not for me ,thank you!!

[Dre'man]

Not sure if this has been posted before.

Koos was walking through his veld one day when he spots someone drinking water from a pool.

He shouts, "Moenie die water drink nie, dis vol skaap k@k".

The other guy says, "I'm Australian mate, speak English!"

Koos replies, "Use both hands, you get more that way".