Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA). It was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride.
Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
Surprise - Thurs 8 March 15h00
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Wingless Nut
- Woohoo 100 posts - flying high
- Posts: 108
- Joined: Fri Aug 05, 2005 2:10 pm
- Location: Bellville
.blab here and some innocent could get moered next time he visits the field. 
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John Young
- The Boss
- Posts: 1973
- Joined: Tue May 24, 2005 8:38 am
- Location: Jacksonville, Florida, USA
He's still blushing!
That big guy Bacchus should win this hands down - he's still blushingBennie Vorster wrote:The member that tells us the best kept Boo-Boo secret that happened at their airfield. Win a Motorola C261 Sponserd by MTN Newcastle.( Judges please help me out here.)
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andreb
- Pilot in Command
- Posts: 770
- Joined: Wed Jan 31, 2007 12:18 pm
- Location: Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia
Pumpkin
This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best
Comeback Line Ever."
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white
male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on a Friday
night.
Lawrence would be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public
indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided
to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no
one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a
phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole
in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into
it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County
police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer
Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,"
said Officer Taylor. "I walked up (to Lawrence) and he's just working away at
this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are
screwing a pumpkin?'
"He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then
looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight
already?
Comeback Line Ever."
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white
male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on a Friday
night.
Lawrence would be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public
indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided
to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no
one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a
phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole
in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into
it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County
police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer
Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,"
said Officer Taylor. "I walked up (to Lawrence) and he's just working away at
this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are
screwing a pumpkin?'
"He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then
looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight
already?
Some days it's not even worth chewing through the restraints
Non scholae sed vitae discimus
Non scholae sed vitae discimus
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No Fly Now
- Learning to fly
- Posts: 62
- Joined: Tue Dec 20, 2005 3:10 pm
- Location: Cape Town
Piece of string walks into the bar and asks for a dop.
Barman says, sorry we don't serve string in here.
String walks out, ties himself in a knot, rubs his head against the wall and walks back in.
Aren't you the piece of string that I kicked out earlier, says the barman.
I'm afraid not, says the string!!!!
Barman says, sorry we don't serve string in here.
String walks out, ties himself in a knot, rubs his head against the wall and walks back in.
Aren't you the piece of string that I kicked out earlier, says the barman.
I'm afraid not, says the string!!!!
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andreb
- Pilot in Command
- Posts: 770
- Joined: Wed Jan 31, 2007 12:18 pm
- Location: Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia
Darwin
Darwin awards
They are finally out again.
It's an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees this year in reverse order are:
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.
Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed
225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig.
It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look.
He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped, and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said.
Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak.
Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter.
Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.
The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
AND THE WINNER.....
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine.
Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism.
Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside.
To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.
This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die.
But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.
They are finally out again.
It's an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees this year in reverse order are:
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.
Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed
225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig.
It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look.
He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped, and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said.
Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak.
Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter.
Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.
The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
AND THE WINNER.....
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine.
Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism.
Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside.
To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.
This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die.
But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.
Some days it's not even worth chewing through the restraints
Non scholae sed vitae discimus
Non scholae sed vitae discimus
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Bennie Vorster
- Toooooo Thousand
- Posts: 2111
- Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2005 1:57 pm
- Location: Newcastle
- Contact:
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No Fly Now
- Learning to fly
- Posts: 62
- Joined: Tue Dec 20, 2005 3:10 pm
- Location: Cape Town
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andreb
- Pilot in Command
- Posts: 770
- Joined: Wed Jan 31, 2007 12:18 pm
- Location: Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia
Horse
White horse walks into a bar and orders a Brandy and coke.
Barman says, "Hey, we have a whiskey named after you!"
Horse says, "What....John?"
Let's see who get's it....
Barman says, "Hey, we have a whiskey named after you!"
Horse says, "What....John?"
Let's see who get's it....
Some days it's not even worth chewing through the restraints
Non scholae sed vitae discimus
Non scholae sed vitae discimus
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Duck Rogers
- Toooooo Thousand
- Posts: 2318
- Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2005 9:49 pm
- Location: West Rand
Ok I just walked in, logged on and read a few pages. Saw I was being called on to sort Bennie out and then got to the page where he wants us to post jokes...........so without having read further and not knowing if the prize has been won.........here's my joke:
A black guy and his wife are invited to a fancy dress party. He tells
his wife to go and look for the costumes.
That night, when he gets back from work, he finds on the bed a SUPERMAN costume. Shouting, he says to his wife: "What the hell is this? When have you ever seen a black SUPERMAN ?"
The wife is upset and goes back to the shop to exchange it. When the
husband arrives, on the bed he sees a BATMAN costume and he shouts: "You are mad woman. When have you seen a black BATMAN ? Go and change it for something better."
The wife is now very annoyed, she returns the costume and buys various
things. On the bed she places 3 white buttons, a white belt and a wooden
pole.
When the husband returns and finds the objects on the bed, he says to
his wife "Whats this ?"
The wife responds: " Its so that you can choose your costume: if you take off your clothes and stick the buttons to your body you
can go as a Domino. If you don't like that you can wear the white belt and
go as an Oreo biscuit, if your still not happy you can stick the pole
up your backside and go as a MAGNUM"
A black guy and his wife are invited to a fancy dress party. He tells
his wife to go and look for the costumes.
That night, when he gets back from work, he finds on the bed a SUPERMAN costume. Shouting, he says to his wife: "What the hell is this? When have you ever seen a black SUPERMAN ?"
The wife is upset and goes back to the shop to exchange it. When the
husband arrives, on the bed he sees a BATMAN costume and he shouts: "You are mad woman. When have you seen a black BATMAN ? Go and change it for something better."
The wife is now very annoyed, she returns the costume and buys various
things. On the bed she places 3 white buttons, a white belt and a wooden
pole.
When the husband returns and finds the objects on the bed, he says to
his wife "Whats this ?"
The wife responds: " Its so that you can choose your costume: if you take off your clothes and stick the buttons to your body you
can go as a Domino. If you don't like that you can wear the white belt and
go as an Oreo biscuit, if your still not happy you can stick the pole
up your backside and go as a MAGNUM"
Airspeed, altitude, or brains....you always need at least two
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