The joke thread
The joke thread
I thought we need a joke thread to lighten up the day somewhat. Here is my first contribution:
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed.
"She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked
"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad !" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy.
You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just . just . .. . excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just .that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little . . " She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was
going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
*Lizards lay eggs.*
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed.
"She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked
"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad !" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy.
You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just . just . .. . excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just .that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little . . " She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was
going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
*Lizards lay eggs.*
Simon
Student Pilot
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Re: The joke thread
i think i just peed myself.
cannot stop laughing
cannot stop laughing
Gavin van der Berg - ZS-WWF
“The genius controls the chaos”
One of the Proud Chain Gang Founding Members
“The genius controls the chaos”
One of the Proud Chain Gang Founding Members
Re: The joke thread
So was the lizard, But dont worry to go see the vetSukkelaar wrote:Im on my back not feeling quite well
"Hope the weather is calm tomorrow !!"
Re: The joke thread
Brilliant,
Moral of the story,
1. Leave circumstances of wich you have no experence to experts.
2. The wife ....well I would not trust her again.
3. Pay attention in school you never know when you might need that useless piece of info
Gunter Rostek
Moral of the story,
1. Leave circumstances of wich you have no experence to experts.
2. The wife ....well I would not trust her again.
3. Pay attention in school you never know when you might need that useless piece of info
Gunter Rostek
- Duck Rogers
- Toooooo Thousand
- Posts: 2318
- Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2005 9:49 pm
- Location: West Rand
Re: The joke thread
If anyone wants to translate this.......be my guest!
Die Moffie gaan dokter toe want hy voel nie te lekker nie. Na 'n reeks
bloedtoetse en 'n fisiese ondersoek deel die dokter hom die volgende
mee:
"Sorry oke, jammer om jou te moet vertel, maar jy het aids!"
Moffie: "Oh Nooo, wat gaan ek nou doen dokter?" wil die verskrikte
moffie weet.
Dokter: "Wel, koop vir jou 'n boks groen appelkose en eet soveel
daarvan as wat jy kan ."
Dan eet jy 'n pak rosyntjies en drink soveel water as wat jy in jou
liggaam kankry.
Die volgende dag moet jy 3 botteltjies kasterolie drink en later die
aand 2 botteltjies Chaimberlain's.
Die derde dag moet jy 2 stukke vis eet wat vir langer as 'n week nie
in 'n yskas verkoel was nie.
Die aand moet jy dan 2 pakkies Engelse sout afsluk met 'n halwe liter
suurmelk."
Die arme moffie is nou eers verskrik. "Maar dokter, dink jy dit gaan
regtig die probleem aanspreek?"
Dokter: "Nee, nie eintlik nie boet, maar dit sal jou leer waarvoor
jou poepol in die eerste plek bedoel was!"
Die Moffie gaan dokter toe want hy voel nie te lekker nie. Na 'n reeks
bloedtoetse en 'n fisiese ondersoek deel die dokter hom die volgende
mee:
"Sorry oke, jammer om jou te moet vertel, maar jy het aids!"
Moffie: "Oh Nooo, wat gaan ek nou doen dokter?" wil die verskrikte
moffie weet.
Dokter: "Wel, koop vir jou 'n boks groen appelkose en eet soveel
daarvan as wat jy kan ."
Dan eet jy 'n pak rosyntjies en drink soveel water as wat jy in jou
liggaam kankry.
Die volgende dag moet jy 3 botteltjies kasterolie drink en later die
aand 2 botteltjies Chaimberlain's.
Die derde dag moet jy 2 stukke vis eet wat vir langer as 'n week nie
in 'n yskas verkoel was nie.
Die aand moet jy dan 2 pakkies Engelse sout afsluk met 'n halwe liter
suurmelk."
Die arme moffie is nou eers verskrik. "Maar dokter, dink jy dit gaan
regtig die probleem aanspreek?"
Dokter: "Nee, nie eintlik nie boet, maar dit sal jou leer waarvoor
jou poepol in die eerste plek bedoel was!"
Airspeed, altitude, or brains....you always need at least two
Re: The joke thread
A man boarded an aircraft in New York and took his seat. As he settled
in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized
she was heading straight towards his seat. Bingo! She took the seat
right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, 'Business trip or
vacation?' She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm
going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in France.'
He swallowed hard. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly
asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'
'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality.'
'Really,' he smiled, 'What myths are those?'
'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African American men
are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that
French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Indian
descent. We have found that the best potential lovers in all categories
are the Afrikaners.'
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she
said, 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know
your name.'
'Running Bear,' the man said....'Running Bear Moodley, but my friends
call me Frikkie.'
in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized
she was heading straight towards his seat. Bingo! She took the seat
right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, 'Business trip or
vacation?' She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm
going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in France.'
He swallowed hard. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly
asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'
'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality.'
'Really,' he smiled, 'What myths are those?'
'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African American men
are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that
French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Indian
descent. We have found that the best potential lovers in all categories
are the Afrikaners.'
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she
said, 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know
your name.'
'Running Bear,' the man said....'Running Bear Moodley, but my friends
call me Frikkie.'
Nottaquitta
Re: The joke thread
Subject: FW: Boere Dictionary from S.A.
Computer Dictionary from South Africa
Monitor - Keeping an eye on the braai
Download - Get the firewood off the bakkie
Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold beer
Keyboard - Where you hang the bakkie and bike keys
Window - What you shut when it's cold
Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season
Byte - What mosquitoes do
Bit - What mosquitoes did
Mega Byte - What mosquitoes at the lake do
Chip - A bar snack
Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem - What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix - Oom Jan Matrix's wife
Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at KFC
Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from Checkers
Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
Mouse Pad - Where the mouse takes the grain it does not eat
Mainframe - What holds the shed up
Web - What spiders make
Cursor - The old bloke what swears a lot
Search Engine - What you do when the bakkie won't go
Yahoo <http://www.yahoo.com/>
What you say when the bakkie does go
Upgrade - A steep hill
Server - The person at the pub what brings out the lunch
Mail Server - The bloke at the pub what brings out the lunch
User - The neighbour what keeps borrowing things
Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape - When fish maneuvers out of reach of net
Online - When you get the laundry hung out
Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up
Computer Dictionary from South Africa
Monitor - Keeping an eye on the braai
Download - Get the firewood off the bakkie
Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold beer
Keyboard - Where you hang the bakkie and bike keys
Window - What you shut when it's cold
Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season
Byte - What mosquitoes do
Bit - What mosquitoes did
Mega Byte - What mosquitoes at the lake do
Chip - A bar snack
Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem - What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix - Oom Jan Matrix's wife
Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at KFC
Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from Checkers
Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
Mouse Pad - Where the mouse takes the grain it does not eat
Mainframe - What holds the shed up
Web - What spiders make
Cursor - The old bloke what swears a lot
Search Engine - What you do when the bakkie won't go
Yahoo <http://www.yahoo.com/>
What you say when the bakkie does go
Upgrade - A steep hill
Server - The person at the pub what brings out the lunch
Mail Server - The bloke at the pub what brings out the lunch
User - The neighbour what keeps borrowing things
Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape - When fish maneuvers out of reach of net
Online - When you get the laundry hung out
Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up
Re: The joke thread
Borrowed from Avcom:
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Simon
Student Pilot
Student Pilot
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Re: The joke thread
This, could help me get over the weather!
Trikenut - Pilot in Training!!!
I love the smell of Avgas in the Morning!
"Beware 16 year old here"
I love the smell of Avgas in the Morning!
"Beware 16 year old here"
Re: The joke thread
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far
during the Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her
snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
father.'
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in
boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again.'
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like
it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC
president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got
eleven Dicks on the field.'
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that,
before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh
my God, what have I just said?'
during the Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her
snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
father.'
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in
boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again.'
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like
it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC
president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got
eleven Dicks on the field.'
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that,
before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh
my God, what have I just said?'
Simon
Student Pilot
Student Pilot
Re: The joke thread
A new afrikaans poem:
Laas nag lê ek in my bed en
kyk na die bome se blare wat
ritsel in die wind, die magdom
blink sterre, pragtige hemelruim,
eindlose horison, die oneindige heelal …
en skielik dink ek … aan die
nuwe Suid Afrika en besef …
… waar de fok is my dak?
Laas nag lê ek in my bed en
kyk na die bome se blare wat
ritsel in die wind, die magdom
blink sterre, pragtige hemelruim,
eindlose horison, die oneindige heelal …
en skielik dink ek … aan die
nuwe Suid Afrika en besef …
… waar de fok is my dak?
Simon
Student Pilot
Student Pilot
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