Microlighters

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man," it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead. "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

Outstanding

Dankie Tumbleweed Needed that and here's one for you my friend.

Memo Subject: Islamic Rectification
Recently, I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so please note!!
We all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words today, for example.

I have been informed that the Islamic Terrorists who hate our guts and want to kill us do not like being called 'TOWEL HEADS' since the item they wear on their heads is not a towel but actually a small folded sheet.

Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads". I thank you

Avdb

Twee Kleurlinge is besig om te drink.



Ouboet stuur Kleinboet om nog wyn te koop.



Kleinboet kom terug en sê: “Ouboet, ek het slegte nuus.”



OUboet “Wat’s dit?”



Kleinboet “Pa is dood”



Ouboet “Hoe kan jy my so laat skrik, ek dog die wyn het gebreek!”

One can also call them "Rag Heads"

Brilliant! I had a rough day, I needed that chuckle!
They can also be called; handkerchief men!

My all-time favourite joke, been in my inbox for ages, so it's quite old but I crack myself everytime I read it:

An elderly couple, Margaret and Charles, are in California. Charles
always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one
day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different
about me?" Margaret looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Charles storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he
asks, a little louder this time,
"Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looks up and says, "Charles, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow.
Furious, Charles yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN,
MARGARET?"
"Nope". She replies.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Charles. Shoulda
bought a hat."

Die plaaswerker sê vir die boer, Meneer, die kruiwa maak so chi.........chi...........chi..........

Die boer gee hom 'n moerse klap, Op DIE plaas maak die kruiwaens so chichichicichi

International Council for Men
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
After wrecking your boss's car.
When she is using her teeth.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
4. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
7. In a mini-bus or car, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
9. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.
10. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and only if it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
11. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
12. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
15. Women who claim they 'love to watch sport' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game in question and the ability to drink as much as the other sport watchers.
16. A man in the company of a hot looking, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
17. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
18. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
19. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty the morning after you and a girl, who was formerly 'just a friend', have carnal, drunken monkey sex is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
20. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
21. Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, yellow, orange or sky blue.
22. The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 or a Playstation 3 - End of story.
23. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
24. Never wear a man bag to work.
25. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'



Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'



'What does that mean?' asked the child.



'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'



The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'



He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'





The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..





Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'





You're gonna love this!!!!!!!!!)...............





The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. ?
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'
So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. ?You haf Ed Zachary diease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'
Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

I needed that!!!

Juffrou aan klas: "Maak 'n sin met Vermoed." Jannie haak af en sê:
"Juffrou, gister gedurende pouse is ek in die skoolsaal en sien Mnr Gouws agter die gordyne uitkom, hy trek toe sy onderbroek en broek op.

'n Rukkie later toe kom juf Swart ook agter die gordyne uit, trek haar panty op en maak haar rok reg. Juffrou, ek VERMOED hulle het agter die klavier gek@k."

Nice one Andreb, very subtle, still laughing

Have you read "Chili Eating Contest" from Sad-Ham. Bloody funny. Funniest thing I have read in ages. Have the inhaler to hand and enjoy

Avdb mate

I posted the same chilli eating one on this site a few months ago....it is an all time favourite!!

Juffrou aan klas: "Maak 'n sin met Vermoed." Jannie haak af en sê:
"Juffrou, gister gedurende pouse is ek in die skoolsaal en sien Mnr Gouws agter die gordyne uitkom, hy trek toe sy onderbroek en broek op.

'n Rukkie later toe kom juf Swart ook agter die gordyne uit, trek haar panty op en maak haar rok reg. Juffrou, ek VERMOED hulle het agter die klavier gek@k."