OT: Father Telkom brought me a stroke for Christmas

[loansharkblv]

So – Christmas has come and gone and what did St. Nick and his merry band of elves decide to bring me for Christmas……

3 broken ADSL lines…… Yahoo!

Fairly early on Christmas day I hear the cars and busses starting to arrive with the family and strangers that will be spending Christmas day here at our place (incidentally the majority of these people I saw last night at another family gathering so I cannot fathom why I have to endure the torture again)

Mrs LS cautions me to be on my best behavior, so in order to keep the peace I put on my jolliest jolly face and head for the study via the least busy route – I make it there relatively unharmed ( Only had to tazar 3 old people who wanted to give me Christmas hugs and kisses) and close and lock the study doors behind me with a satisfying thump.

I watch (with a smile) as the lights dim for a second of so while I fire up the door handle electrifiers and sit down behind the PC – I am actually in a very happy mood as I have also managed to liberate half a Christmas cake and a thermos of coffee from some unsuspecting visitor that did not expect to see me come storming down the ‘secret’ passage in my Sunday best….

Anyhoo, back to the actual point of this post…. Kickstart the PC’s and wait for the satisfying hum of the connections spinning up…. Do I hear this – nope….

So in true IT form I do the logical thing – reboot the systems (yes computer users: this really does solve 90% of all problems and is just not an excuse us IT guys use to get you off the line – Now when we start waffling on about Lunar interference and string theory then you know we don’t really know what the problem is……

In this case though rebooting does not solve the problem so I kick things into higher gear… For my sins I have 3 accounts (all fast, chunky lines) so I start the process of elimination… PC1 – Line1 = dead, PC2 – Line1 = dead, PC1 – Line2 etc,etc,etc….

Pretty soon I realize that I have a problem and I am less than impressed…

So now I go into REALLY higher grade mode and start analyzing the feckens and bekons and whatnot – Those of you in HG IT will know what those things are and at what level I am now…… I try everything and hit a brick wall every time……

AwwwFFFFFFF………………………………………..

So there I sit…. No Comms on Christmas day and am now a very very grumpy person…

Not even the satisfying screams and inevitable thump of the partygoers trying to open the electrified door bring a smile to my face as they time and time again mistake this room for the toilet….. He he – maybe one day I will take the [TOILET] sign down……

So there I was, cut off from the world and surrounded by a Yule tide jolly mob…. (How I managed to actually survive the last two days is another story for a later stage…)

So anyway, this morning I wake up early and come through to the study… I know that there will be someone on duty at the Telkom help desk today so I figured I may get some help (hey, it’s Christmas – maybe they put the bright one on duty….. one never knows)

0800 375 375 …. Ring ring……

The lady computer answers and then proceeds to run me through a list of options that I have…. I fall asleep twice waiting for her to get to the end of her schpeel…..

Eventually I hear the option I am looking for – To speak to a person press #3…

I press #3

Computer lady carries on…….

I press #3 again.....

No surprise this time as the computer voice continues……

So I press #3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

And get cut off………..

Okay, let me try again…

0800 375 375 – Computer answers – I know the kestrokes now, so while she is waffling on I hit #1-4-3-7-7-5-6-4-4-4(this one is important unless you want to speak to someone in Mandarin)-5-3

Mmmm, doesn’t help – she is still talking…… Put the phone on speaker and head off to make some coffee…. Come back just in time to hear her say “and If you would like to speak to a technician press #3 – Ah! 3 – Why didn’t I just press that in the beginning?

Press #3

Computer lady carries on…….

I press #3 again.....

REALLY no surprise this time as the computer voice continues……

Being a quick learner I resist the urge to hold down the 3 button on my cell phone again……Eventually the lady computer gets tired of talking to me and decides that I must be a “special” person - In their efforts to match the caller with the call taker the Telkom lady computer then decides to connect me with the most “special” ADSL technician that they have in their stable over this period…..

Phone rings once or twice and a person answers on the other end – “Hulo, mandarin, mandarin, morning, yu ah mandarin, mandarin, speaking to mandarin, mandarin, mandarin, mandarin……………..

What the hell? I am sure I didn’t hit the Mandarin option…….

After an eternity I actually figure out that the person on the other side is speaking English – not necessarily the Queens English but a fairly far removed derivative thereof….

So quick as a flash, I smash my face into my desk a couple of times to get on the same wavelength as my Telkom “helper”

“What seems to be the problem, Sir?”

I explain that my multiple ADSL lines are veeeeeeeeeeeery slow and that I need them to go faster…….

I get thrown the usual questions – Circuit numbers and the like which I prattle off and then I get asked a question that throws me completely – “What is your current transfer rate Sir?”

I know now how those famous figures from history felt when the heavens opened and a light shone down on them while being spoken to…….

I was humbled and awed!!!! It was as if I had hit the jackpot….

In my best “speaking to ATC voice” (have to throw in a bit of Aviation terms here for the purists on the site) I respond 105 bytes a second……..

...
......
……..

Dead Air

Hello, I say…..

“Yes Sir, may I please have your transfer speed?”

Mmmmmmm – 105 bytes a second I reply…….

“Oooooh’Kay” she says…… (Obviously she now knows that I am clearly “special”)

Please can you go to - http://www.telkom.co.za/athome/products/dsl

Yes, I can I reply but that is going to take some time as by info rate is 105 bytes per second…..

Dead Air again……

Hello – Yes Sir, please can you go to http://www.telkom.....

Sigh – OK – type type type type….. ENTER

What do you see Sir? – “Well actually fuggerall, like I said I am phoning to report slow speed and redirecting me to one of your website is not going to help……”

Dead Air…….

So I start transmitting blind (more aviation terms for the GOM’s here) – “I have a little green progress block on the bottom, of the 20 or so segments the first one has now just gone green…….”

Dead Air…… (for another 4 blocks) – Elo?

Yes Sir, I am still here……….

Ok technician lady, as you can see this is going to take all day…. That is why I have you on the line – MY ADSL LINES ARE SLOW!!!!!!

“Oooooh’Kay” she says…… So do you see a option there called “line speed?”

Standby I tell her as I smash my face into my desk REALLY hard………….. Thankfully when consciousness returns the page has been loaded…

Hello?

Yes Sir, still here……. Please can you click on the line speed test for me..

Click

New Window starts loading – Standby I tell her…..

(at this stage I go and get my cell phone charger as the IMates only have a 4 hour talk time)

Eventually the page loads and surprise surprise the speed shows as (wait for it….. drummroll) 123 bytes per secons…..

Hi, 123 bytes per second…..

Ok, read what it says for me on the screen………………..

WHY?

I need to see your transfer speed.

123 bytes per second…..

Eh, NO – I am looking for Kilobytes / second…..

Okay, I say, we are not going to see KILObytes because that is the reason why I am calling… My line is sloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!!!

Eh?---OhKay – So your line is slow….

Mmmmmm – Progress……………………. YES, my line is slow……

But, befo I can report it I need to tell the teknichuns the Kilobyte speed….

(by now the big vain in my head is throbbing……)

I try and explain the difference between a kilo (thousand) byte and a byte – NO LUCK!

OK Sir, can you type in the following… http://mandarin mandarin mandarin DOT sux DOT mandarin….

HUH?

Mandarin repeats ……

WHAT….???

Now she knows for sure that she has got the most special of special people on the line probably still drunk from Christmas and switches to phonetics.

H for Horse – T for Tommy – repeat – P for, ehh, Philemon – forward slash for forward slash times two – two eh, dots…..

The vein eventually goes under the pressure and I wake up 20 minutes later with my desk covered in blood………

S for Sangoma – Dot for DOT –

(hours pass)

OH, you mean - http://games.saix.net/bandwidthmeter.php

Why do I want to go there?

To see your bandwidth Sir…….

The loss of blood has left me delirious and without fight….

Click click typety type….. ENTER’ED

After another agonizing 20 minutes (I am not going to go into it here as I feel the vein starting to throb already) I have the answer she is looking for.

102 bytes per minute…..

Oh, yes sir – I can see that your line, she is very very slow.

NO – really, hey – You sure – Why don’t we just do all of this again to verify the results – I mean I have just spent 2 hours on the phone with you accessing 2 web pages and you think now that my line may be a bit slow…………..Mmmm, top of the class for you.


She takes down my particulars and promises me that their “best” technician will get straight onto the job…..

Thanks and Christmas pleasantries are exchanged and I go away knowing that in my heart this problem will be resolved soon…..

Just to check up on progress I phoned Telkom just before I started writing this piece…. I am still on hold but I believe the lady computer when she tells me that “your call is important to us and will be transferred to the next available operator”

Gee wiz, I hope I get the “special” one again – She was really helpful last time…….

In the interim, my posts may seems late and sporadic to certain topics – please bear with me and Telkom as we RUSH to resolve this little hitch……

[afskies scribe]

Eish, Loanshark, this is a beaut
but somehow a slow connection in Slumberland does have a suitably saucy ring to it

[DieselFan]

iBurst don't have signal in my area , so waited 2 months for Helkom to stuff up my roof and walls with glue, gunk and stupidity. Atleast in the end my DSL was up an running Dec 22!

[loansharkblv]

Eish, Loanshark, this is a beaut
but somehow a slow connection in Slumberland does have a suitably saucy ring to it

Hehe Trixie...ya!

and you know there is plenty more where that came from