Non aviation funny - old but still funny

[slysi]

ONE MAN'S STORY...

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine.

Dear Diary: For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased
a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team
25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am.

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek
goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was Alarmed that my
pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted
her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or
stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying. My
chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout
with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine
-- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little
cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the*&%#
(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.)

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife
(the other bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root canal
or a vasectomy.

[Big-D]

Brilliant! :D

[Tailspin]

I know this feeling.

Only problem is i ended up marrying her

[Thunderboy]

Ouch Tailspin I hope for your sake she dont know about this forum

[DieselFan]

Ouch Tailspin I hope for your sake she dont know about this forum