Some humor

[Air Hog]

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot’s preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.
Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later. As he’s leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, “Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I’m going to personally see to it that you are not only reprimanded, but also punished.”
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, “Sir, with all due respect, I’m not your son; I’m an Airman in the United States Air Force. I’ve been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it’s two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump shit from your aircraft.
Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?”

[nicow]

Stinker

[Air Hog]

[Air Hog]

Scares the crap out of you!

[nicow]

Dis 'n k@k spul

[D2O]

German war terms:

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[Robbie Shaw]

Daniels.jpg

Fantastic story ..... A little fishy I thought... Lol

[Turbo]

HAHAHA Love the jack daniels one!!

[Air Hog]

Beste Koos,
Koos, ou maat, het ek op groot skaal aangejaag die keer!
Ek besluit toe mos om vir Kotie op ons huweliksherdenking 'n skokstok te koop om haarself mee te verdedig. Ek kom een Saterdag af op 'n model wat glo 100 000 volt uitspuug, maar met geen langtermyn effek op die persoon wie jy skok nie. Hy werk met twee trippel A batterye wat hulle sommer in die boksie saamgee. Dit sal mos vir vroulief (wat niks van 'n rewolwer wil weet nie), darem 'n kans gee om weg te kom indien sy aangeval word.
Blink idee, né?
Lang storie kort, ek kom by die huis en laai die twee batterytjies. Druk die knoppie . . . niks. Hel, was ek nou teleurgesteld! Haal toe maar die aanwysings uit en daar staan toe dat mens dit kan toets deur dit teen metaal oppervlakte te druk en as jy dan die knoppie druk, sal daar blou vonkie tussen die twee vurke van die proter dans. So sal mens dan weet of hy werk of nie.
Ek maak toe so. INDRUKWEKKEND! (Ek sal nog aan Kotie moet verduidelik waar daai twee swart merke op die yskas vandaan kom). In elk geval, ek en die kat is alleen by die huis en ek sit in my lazyboy die ding en ondersoek terwyl Toodles rustig toekyk. Ek besluit toe om die ding op myself of die kat te toets. Watter skade kan twee ou trippel A batterytjies nou juis aanrig? Ek het Toodles darem net vlugtig oorweeg. Ek kon my indink hoe sy sou spring as ek haar met die ding sou bykom! Tog, as ek wou seker wees Kotie is veilig met die ding, sou ek hom op 'n lewende wese moes toets. So sit ek daar in my PT broekie en T-hempie, my leesbril delikaat op die brug van my neus gebalanseer en met die skokstok in die een hand en die aanwysings in die ander. Dit staan daar dat een sekonde skok net genoeg sal wees om die aanvaller effe deurmekaar te maak. 'n Twee sekonde sarsie sal 'n spierspasma en verlies van beheer oor die liggaam veroorsaak. Drie sekonde een sal mens glo soos vis op droë grond laat rondflap. Enigiets langer is glo net mors van die batterye.
Daar sit ek toe met Toodles wat my so aankyk asof sy wil sê: "Moenie dit doen nie." Watwou, reken ek, een sekondetjie se skok kan mos nie so erg wees nie. Met die sit ek woord by daad en druk ek die ding teen my binneboud vas en druk die knoppie.
MOEDER MARIA! WAPENS VAN MASSAVERNIETIGING! @!@$$!%!@*!!!
Ek is redelik seker Jan Wilkens of Os Du Randt (of albei) het ingestormen my uit die lazyboy gepluk en teen die vloer neer gemoer. Oor en oor en oor! Ek onthou vaagweg ek het wakker geword, inmekaar gekrul op die vloer soos 'n ongebore baba. Al twee my tepels was aan die brand. My lyf was papnat gesweet en my klokke was skoonveld. My linkerarm was onder my lyf vasgepen en my bene het soos riete gebewe.
As 'n mens mal genoeg is om jouself te wil skok: daar is nie 'n ding soos 'n een sekonde skok nie. Jy sal daardie proter nie laat los alvorens hy uit jou hand geruk word deur jou lyf wat heen en weer op die grond rond ruk en rol nie. Na so 'n minuut of wat (tyd was baie relatief) het ek stadig orent gekom en die skade rondom my betrag. My gebuigde leesbril was nou bo-op die TV kas , my triseps, regterdy en my tepels het steeds onbeheersd gespring. My gesig was verdoof soos by die tandarts en my onderste lip het gevoel of hy 30 kg weeg.
Toodles, die kat, en my eiers is steeds weg.
Jou geskokte vriend

[nicow]

[Turbo]

[Jean Crous]

Johan, ek het SO gelag dat my vrou my snaaks aankyk Toe lees ek dit vir haar, nou-ja ek moet bylas, hierdie Madam het n makaber sin vir humor NOU sit en lag ons altwee ewe hard
Jean.

[NickSwardt]

Here are the glorious winners of the "They live among us" awards:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Johannesburg, South Africa , would-be robber Elliot Ncgube did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a
finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal shebeen, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit
his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. A teenager in Soweto, South Africa, was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to
see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was
hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer . ....$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money,
is a crime committed?)

7. Seems a guy in Polokwane, South Africa, wanted some beer pretty
badly. He decided that he'd just throw a concrete building block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the block and heaved it over his head at the window. The block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store
window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on CCTV
camera.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to
stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer,
that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying
that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

[Jean Crous]

I have heard the term...."sucking eggs" but sucking Shite......takes the .....erm.....cake
Jean.

[Bundy]

ALERTS TO THREATS
IN 2013 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE
...
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.