Some Humor

[Air Hog]

After a less than perfect of a landing on a Kulula flight to Johannesburg, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

After a hard landing on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

After a bumpy landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, after that smooth landing we'd like to welcome you to Cape Town, where the mountain is flat, the trees are flat and the people are wonderful people. If this is not where you want to be then you have some serious issues, and I guess we'll see you sooner than we thought. We are going to ask you to remain seated with your seatbelts fastened and your cellphones switched off until the aircraft has come to a complete stop and the seatbelt signs have been switched off. If you need any assistance disembarking, sorry for you, help yourself...only kidding folks, we'll ask one of the greasy engineers to come and assist you. Please check the overhead storage, the seat pocket in front of you as well as your neighbour's bag for all of your nice goodies. If you do decide to leave something behind make sure it's something shiny that we can use or sell on our next flight - no children, spouses or in-laws allowed. Smoking is only allowed in certain areas in certain terminal buildings and only next to other airlines' passengers. On behalf of our captain, Wonder Woman, her right hand man, Superman, myself Prince Charming, Fiona, the Jellytot Monster and the Lochness Monster, we'd like to say thank you for flying with us today, and we'd like to see you on one of our flights in the future. Thank you, be good to yourself and those around you and enjoy the rest of the weekend."

[Air Hog]

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'


[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made

by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it
carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."


Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson..'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE
OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart....

Maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson!

Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date!

[Papillon]

Sies man Johan!!

Just made my day

[JvTonder]

[Boet]

What is the difference between a rectal and an oral thermometer?..................................................................................................The taste........

[Tailspin]

Old but still puts a grin on my Face.

Cat Lover or Not, this is Hysterical !!!



We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!

[kloot piloot]

Truth or mistake

[MILO]

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was
enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, 'Sheesh, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

'1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand and Australia.

[Air Hog]

De La Rey en sy manskappe lê in die loopgrawe tydens die oorlog.
Een van die manskappe vra aan De La Rey” Hoeveel manne is ons?”
“50 man” antwoord De La Rey.
“en die Ingelse?” vra die man.
“10 000” antwoord De La Rey.
Na ‘n rukkie sê die manskap ”&%$#@, ons gaan weer laat klaarmaak vandag”

[THI]

De La Rey en sy manskappe lê in die loopgrawe tydens die oorlog.
Een van die manskappe vra aan De La Rey” Hoeveel manne is ons?”
“50 man” antwoord De La Rey.
“en die Ingelse?” vra die man.
“10 000” antwoord De La Rey.
Na ‘n rukkie sê die manskap ”&%$#@, ons gaan weer laat klaarmaak vandag”

Nice!

[Air Hog]

Only South Africans can appreciate this story (or those who've lived here a long time)...

On Sunday I popped down to the local convenience store at the Engen service station to return some DVDs and pick up a few things. On the way I passed a scrap metal cart being pulled by a donkey.

Whenever I see this sight I feel the same as I do at the scene of a car accident - I really, really don't want to look but some awful compulsion always makes me have a quick glance to ascertain the state of the poor beast of burden. I was standing in the check-out queue waiting to pay when my attention was drawn by a sudden burst of noise and activity outside on the forecourt.

Through the window I saw that donkey and cart were pulled up alongside the pumps for "refuelling"

The donkey had its nose in the watering can generally used to top up cars, and the cart passenger was swabbing down the poor creature's sweaty flanks with the squeegee thing usually used to clean windscreens and score a bigger tip. The driver and passenger were having an extremely loud and colourful conversation, none of which I could understand apart from the "voks" and "jou ma" comments, but which must have been extremely funny judging by the toothless guffaws.

The terrible misuse of the squeegee caused one of the (bored and almost lifeless) pump attendants to amble across lethargically to this comic tableau and confiscate the item.

There followed an incomprehensible diatribe accompanied by lots of hand gestures

This ended with the attendant shambling reluctantly back to the cashier window and mumbling a long story, at which the cashier shrieked indignantly and told him "nee man, hulle moet vok off".

She then explained to her intrigued audience that the donkey would only move away from the pumps if it was given some apples. It seemed obligatory to donate the bag of apples I had just purchased for my beloved son. This was met with huge toothless grins, much bowing and "God Bless You Merrems".

As I returned to my car I had the happy honour of overhearing the donkey being told loudly that it must be the "most vokking fency-schmency blerrie vokking perd on the whole of the Cape Flats eating epples from vokking Woolwurths".


(sorry mods, edit or delete if you want but I thought it had to stay like this)

[wiskeyfoxtrot]