Microlighters

A Male Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"
The Princess said, "NO !!!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and
banged skinny long-legged broads and hunted and fished and raced cars
and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey,
beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and banged
cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate fatty meat and potato
chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while
he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as
hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end.

Amen brother

If the unmarried brethen would listen to the advice of the married ones, the human spiecies would become endangered! Die "willeding" maak mans doof!!

Tumbleweed

Why did you not tell me this 14 years ago

Two prawns were swimming around in the tropical sea. One was called Justin and the other called Christian.

They were always being threatened by the sharks that patrolled the area.

One day, during a storm, Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten."

Just at that moment, a huge flash of lightning hit the water above them and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old friend.

Time went by and Justin found himself bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates swam away whenever he came close to them. He didn't realise that it was his menacing appearance which was the cause of his sad plight.

The next time there was a storm, Justin wondered if that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn.

Whilst he was deep in thought about being a prawn once more, another flash of lightning struck the water above him and, lo and behold, he turned back into prawn.

With tears of joy in his eyes, Justin swam back to all his old friends.

Looking around the gathering that greeted him, he searched for his old best friend. "Where's Christian?" he asked the others.

"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides and became a shark", was the reply.

Eager to put things right again with his friend, Justin set off to Christian's house. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin shouted back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

"I'm a prawn again Christian."

Reports in the press that George Michael is suffering from pneumonia have been dismissed after his agent said he actually had Bird Flu.
Apparently he's kissed a Cockatoo.....

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."



"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."


"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."



The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight –then, nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

A nun is sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man who is eating prawns.

Every time he eats one, he spits the head at her and she throws it out the window.

Eventually she gets angry and pulls the emergency cord.

The Muslim looks at her and says "You'll get fined for doing that you infidel slut."

She laughs and says "When I cry "rape" and they smell your fingers and you'll get 20 years, you towel-headed camel rider."

Wat is die verskil tussen die rioolplaas in Pretoria en die rioolplaas
in Brakpan?

Pretoria s'n het nie n duikplank nie...


Hoekom drink Brakpanners so baie as hulle na 'n braai toe gaan?

Sodat hulle kinders nie kan ruik hulle het vleis geeet as hulle by die
huis kom nie


Hoe weet jy, jy is by 'n Brakpan begrafnis? ...

Onder aan die begrafnis brief staan:
"Moet asb nie die lykswa dice nie!!


Die Brakpan ma vat haar dogter dokter toe met blaasinfeksie....Die
dokter is in Pretoria so dis nogal n outing vir die ma,
hare gedoen, naels, nuwe rok en alles....
Die ma preek die hele pad Pretoria toe vir die dogter om tog asb goeie
maniere te hê. By die dokter aangekom vra die
dokter die girl wats fout?
Sy antwoord: nee Oom...my parra brand as ek pie.....
Die volgende oomblik klap haar ma haar agter die kop en sê...."Het jy
niks geluister nie...dis nie Oom nie, dis Dokter..... "!!


Brakpan laaitie gaan kuier by sy girl op die plaas, die Oom tune hom
"Hey, vanaand is al die ligte 10 uur af!"

Waarop die laaitie hom tune ;

"Nee sharp Oom! Ek's nie hier om boek te lees nie!"

The guy had a couple of drinks the night and one of his friends changed his Viagra for Tippex. The next morning when he woke up, he had a correction.

Some Faceless.

“The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.”
"A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished."
“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?”
“All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.”
“Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.”
“A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.”

And my personal favourite…..

“Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts”

Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. He told them. "We have reached the destination". 

The 1st guy gave him money & 2nd guy said "thank u". 

The 3rd guy gave the driver a slap. The driver was shocked, thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But he asked "what's that for?". The 3rd guy replied. "CONTROL UR SPEED NEXT TIME, u nearly killed us !

what I can say ??

I hope he got 10/10! ....Classic!