Only in America

[Duck Rogers]

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the
Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's
response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get
to the response letter.

---------------------------------------------------

SUBJECT: DEQ
File No.97-59-0023;
T11N;
R10W,
Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the
above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the
legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized
activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the
start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files
shows that no such permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public
Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the
Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature
are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all
activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
condition by removing all wood and brush, forming the dams,
from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed
no later than January 31, of next year.

Please notify this office, when the restoration has been completed
so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized
activity on the site may result in this case being referred for
elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you
have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
State of Michigan


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This is the actual response sent back:



RE: DEQ
File No.97-59-0023;
T11N;
R10W,
Sec. 20;
Montcalm County


Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to
respond to. I am the legal landowner, but not the Contractor at
2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the
(State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two
wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project,
I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful
use of natures building materials, debris.

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate
their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe
I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam
skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they
must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type
of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate
against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers
throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act, I hereby respectfully request
completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits
that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a
dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public
Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan
Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several other concerns. My first concern is... aren't the
beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers
are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation,
so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams
failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that
this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to
protect.

In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather
than harassing them and calling their dam, names. If you want the
stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition, please contact the
beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not
pay any attention to your dam letter... they being unable to read
English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
the unauthorized dams, as long as the sky is blue, the grass is
green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do
to live in, and enjoy Spring Pond.

If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection
lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers)
as well as the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait
until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice
then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring your attention to a real environmental quality
(health) problem in the area. It is the bears!

Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers
alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!
(The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam
request, and being unable to
contact you, on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your
dam office.

Thank You,

Ryan DeVries & The Dam Beavers


Duck Rogers

[ZU-ANE]

I think I just wet myself

[GR8-DAD]

Me also like beaver....

[Tumbleweed]

[ICEMAN]

the beavers clearly have a watertight case.

[eyetie]

dam Good story ......... :D

[Tailspin]

These dam politicians have no dam idea of what actually going on

[ACE]

the beavers clearly have a watertight case.

Dam right