The joke thread

[bluesmancoops]

A husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had s-ex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having s-ex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious s-ex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic s-ex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'


Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago the fence wasn't electric!

[Harlequin]

Now this is what I call confusion. Two men met at a bus stop and struck
up a conversation.

One of them kept complaining of family problems. Finally,
the other man said:’ You think you have family problems? Listen to my
situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up
daughter and we got married.

Later my father married my step daughter. That
made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson.
Also, my wife became mother in-law of her father-in-law.. Then the
daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my
half-brother because he was my father's
son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my
wife's grand-son. That made me the grandfather of my
half-brother. 'This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.
Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is
also the grandmother. 'This makes my father the
brother-in-law of my child, whose
stepsister is my father's wife, I'm my stepmother's
brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's
nephew and......... I'm my own grandfather!


And you think you have family problems!

[DarkHelmet]

A farmer named Van was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture in Limpopo when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a
dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young black man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes,
RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the
farmer , 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in
your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Van looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a
MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email
on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and
says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Van .

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Van says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Member of Parliament for the ANC Party', says Van .

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.', answered the farmer . 'You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how
much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about
cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . .Now give me back my dog.

[Low Level]

MJ.jpg (98.42 KiB) Viewed 2676 times

[DarkHelmet]

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as
a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room en grossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several
cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know..

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

[DarkHelmet]

Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews
And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
The men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair . . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious.
I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
For this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
After another. They heard screaming, crashing,
Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
Quiet.. The door opened slowly and there stood the
Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.
'I had to Beat him to death with the chair.'



MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them!!!!

[kloot piloot]

[Low Level]

Apparrantly a third guy phoned. His word was ganna. He made sentence: "You're not ganna believe it, smee again, goan f#$% yourself."

[Low Level]

Jannie 'n regte boer seun is opgewonde want hy vat vir Sherryl die engelse girl uit vir Pizza. Jannie staan die hele dag en oefen sy tenses en sinne "She is" "They are" etc.

Die aand tel Jannie vir Sherryl op en is heavy gestress, hy trek daar weg en kom by 'n stop straat. Hy kyk regs en soos hy wil links kyk vra hy vir Sherryl: "Is your kant clean"

[Tumbleweed]

Mexican words of the day

1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito
replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.

4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey
harassment nothing to me.

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids

14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

[kloot piloot]

"You're not ganna believe it, smee again, goan f#$% yourself."

Brilliant !

[DarkHelmet]

Simple maths .. and a fkd up marriage


A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

'To My Dear Wife.

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54yrs old, and can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife.Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

'My Dear Husband.

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:

'18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.'

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow!!!.

[Low Level]

Ooouch - truth does hurt ...sometime.

[bluesmancoops]

Israeli Sense of Humour at UN


An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile. A representative from Israel began: "Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses. When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!' He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them."

The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, "What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then."

The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech ."

[DarkHelmet]

An Inspirational Story


Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

At first I said, ' Naaahhh! '

Then they said to me ' Come on, it ' s for handicapped and blind Kids. '

Then I thought...

F&#k - I could win this! '