Aviation funny for the day

[Morph]

The following set of instructions was given to Capt. Eddie Vaughn (US Airways, Ret) by the granddaughter of Fred S. Disosway, who flew the Jenny in World War 1 and was the proprietor of Disosway Airport in Sheldon, Ill. Capt. Vaughn thought that some of the ALPA’s younger members who have never flown a vintage aircraft would enjoy reading the article.

Quote:

1.Inspection – It is best not to inspect this ship. If you do, you’ll never get in it.

2.Climbing into the cockpit – Do not attempt to enter the cockpit in the usual way. If you put your weight on the lower wing panel, it will fall off. And besides, your foot will go through the wing, probably breaking your leg. The best way to enter the cockpit is to climb over the tail surfaces and crawl up the turtleback. Be sure to brush the gopher and squirrel nest out of the cockpit. Try not to cut your hands on the broken windshield.

3.Instruments – After having carefully lowered yourself into the cockpit and groped in vain for the safety belt, take a good look at your instruments – both of them. The one on the right is a tachometer. It doesn’t work. The other one is an altimeter. It functioned perfectly until 1918, when the hands came off. Look at them now, for when the engine starts you won’t be able to see them.

4.Starting the motor – The switch is on the right. It doesn’t work because it isn’t connected. However, it gives a sense of confidence to the mechanic who is pulling the prop through, as he can hear the switch click when you say “switch off.� If, for some reason, the motor doesn’t start, don’t get out to pick up the cut and bleeding mechanic – he deserves it.

5.Warming up – Don’t warm up the engine. It will run only a few minutes anyway, and the longer it runs on the ground the less flying time you have. After the throttle is opened, do not expose any portion of your body outside the cowling. It is no fun having your face slapped by a flying rocker arm, or to be peppered with small bits of piston rings, valves, etc., that are continually coming out of the exhaust stacks.

6.The takeoff – The takeoff is in direct defiance of all the laws of nature. If you have a passenger, don’t try it.

7.The flight – After you have dodged trees, windmills, and chimneys until you are over the lake, you will see a large hole in the left side of the fuselage. The hole is to allow the stick to be moved far enough to make a left turn. Don’t try one to the right.

8.The Landing – The landing is made in accordance with the laws of gravity. If the landing gear doesn’t collapse on the first bounce, don’t worry – it will on the second. After you have extracted yourself from the wreckage and helped the spectators put out the fire, light a cigarette and, with a nonchalant shrug, walk (don’t run) disdainfully away.

Published: March 1998 Air Line Pilot

[GR8-DAD]

.... I saw this plane in Eendekuil, at Cassie's place....