Joke letter of the week

[BOOMARANG]

Gentlemen: 
  I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain events that 
occurred yesterday. First of all, I would like to thank that very nice FAA 
man who took my student pilot's license and told me I wouldn't need it any 
more. I guess that means that you're giving me my full-fledged pilot's 
license. You should watch that fellow though, after I told him all of this 
he seemed quite nervous and his hand was shaking. Anyway, here is what 
happened. 

  The weather had been kind of bad since last week, when I soloed. 
But on the day in question I was not about to let low ceilings and 
visibility, and a slight freezing drizzle, deter me from another exciting 
experience at the controls of an airplane. I was pretty proud of my 
accomplishment, and I had invited my neighbor to go with me since I 
planned to fly to a town about two hundred miles away where I knew 
of an excellent restaurant that served absolutely wonderful charcoaled 
steaks and the greatest martinis. 

On the way to the airport my neighbor was a little concerned about the 
weather, but I assured him once again about the steaks and martinis that 
we would soon be enjoying and he seemed much happier. 

When we arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle had stopped, as I 
already knew from my ground school meteorology it would. There were 
only a few snow flakes. I checked the weather and I was assured that it was 
solid IFR. I was delighted. But when I talked to the local operator I found out 
that my regular airplane, a Piper J-4 Cub, was down for repairs. You could 
imagine my disappointment. Just then a friendly, intelligent line boy suggested 
that I take another airplane, which I immediately saw was very sleek and 
looked much easier to fly. 

I think that he called it an Aztec C, also made by Piper. It didn't have a 
tail wheel, but I didn't say anything because I was in a hurry. Oh yes, it 
had a spare engine for some reason. 

We climbed in and I began looking for an ignition switch. Now, I don't 
want to get anyone in trouble, but it shouldn't be necessary to get the 
airplane manual just to find out how to start an airplane. That's ridiculous. 
I never saw so many dials and needles and knobs, handles and switches. 
As we both know, confidentially, they have simplified this in the J-4 Cub. 
I forgot to mention that I did file a flight plan, and those people were so
 nice. When I told them I was flying an Aztec they said it was all right to 
go direct via Victor-435, a local superhighway, all the way. These fellows 
deserve a lot of credit. They told me a lot of other things too, but everybody 
has problems with red tape. 

The take-off was one of my best and I carefully left the pattern just the 
way the book style says it should be done. The tower operator told me to 
contact Department Control Radar, but that seemed kind of silly since I 
knew where I was going. There must have been some kind of emergency 
because, all of a sudden, a lot of airline pilots began yelling at the same 
time and made such a racket that I just turned off the radio. 

You'd think that those professionals would be better trained. Anyway, I 
climbed up into a few little flat clouds, cumulus type, at three hundred feet, 
but Highway 435 was right under me and, since I knew it was straight east 
to the town where we were going to have drinks and dinner, I just went on 
up into the solid overcast. After all, it was snowing so hard by now that it 
was a waste of time to watch the ground. This was a bad thing to do, I 
realized. My neighbor undoubtedly wanted to see the scenery, 
especially the mountains all around us, but everybody has to be 
disappointed sometime and we pilots have to make the best of it, now don't we? 

It was pretty smooth flying and, except for the ice that seemed to be 
forming here and there, especially on the windshield, there wasn't much to 
see. I will say that I handled the controls quite easily for a pilot with only six hours. 
My computer and pencils fell out of my shirt pocket once in a while but these 
phenomenon sometime occur I am told. I don't expect you 
to believe this, but my pocket watch was standing straight up on its chain. 
That was pretty funny and asked my neighbor to look but he just kept 
staring ahead with sort of a glassy look in his eyes and I figured that he 
was afraid of heights like all non-pilots are. By the way, something was 
wrong with the altimeter, it kept winding and unwinding all the time. 

Finally, I decided we had flown about long enough to be where we were 
going, since I had worked it out on the computer. I am a whiz at that 
computer, but something must have gone wrong with it since when I came down 
to look for the airport there wasn't anything there except mountains. These
weather people sure had been wrong, too. It was real marginal conditions with a 
ceiling of about one hundred feet. You just can't trust anybody in this business 
except yourself, right? Why, there were even thunderstorms going on with 
occasional bolts of lightning. I decided that my neighbor should see how beautiful 
it was and the way it seemed to turn that fog all yellow, but I guess he was asleep, 
having gotten over his fear of height, and I didn't want to wake him up. 
  
Anyway, just then an emergency occurred because the engine quit. It really didn't
 worry me since I had just read the manual and I knew right where the other ignition 
switch was. I just fired up the other engi ne and we kept right on going. This silliness 
of having two engines is really a safety factor. If one quits the other is right there 
ready to go. Maybe all airplanes should have two engines. You might look into this. 

As pilot in command, I take my responsibilities very seriously. It was 
apparent that I would have to go down lower and keep a sharp eye in such 
bad weather. I was glad my neighbor was asleep because it was pretty dark 
under the clouds and if it hadn't been for the lightning flashes it would 
have been hard to navigate. Also, it was hard to read road signs through 
the ice on the windshield. Several cars ran off the road when we passed
and you can sure see what they mean about flying being a lot safer than 
driving. 

To make a long story short, I finally spotted an airport that I knew 
right away was pretty close to town and, since we were already late for 
cocktails and dinner, I decided to land there. It was an Air Force Base so 
I knew it had plenty of runway and I could already see a lot of colored 
lights flashing in the control tower so I knew that we were welcome. 
Somebody had told me that you could always talk to these military people 
on the international emergency frequency so I tried it but you wouldn't 
believe the language that I heard. These people ought to be straightened 
out by somebody and I would like to complain, as a taxpayer. 

Evidently there were expecting somebody to come in and land because they 
kept talking about some  stupid son-of-a-***** up in that fog. I wanted 
to be helpful, so I landed on the ramp to be out of the way in case that other
 fellow needed the runway. A lot of people came running out waving at us. It
 was pretty evident that they had never seen an Aztec C before. One fellow, 
some General with a pretty nasty temper, was real mad about something. I 
tried to explain to him in a reasonable manner that I didn't think the tower 
operator should be swearing at that guy up there, but his face was so red 
that I think he must have a drinking problem. 

Well, that's about all. I caught a bus back home because the weather 
really got bad, but my neighbor stayed at the hospital there. He can't make a 
statement yet because he's still not awake. Poor fellow, he must have the flu, 
or something. Let me know if you need anything else, and please send my 
new license airmail, special delivery. 

Very, truly yours, 

LP 
  
P.S. I also must tell you that I had to have my hair redone because it started 
to turn from "blonde" to "grey" as a result of these nasty men

[nicow]

[Hagar]

BWHAAAAAAA very good